04 October 2013

The WAT: Wilshere looking pretty cool lately

All reputable sources who aren't pussies reported today that Arsenal midfielder and on-and-off wunderkind Jack Wilshere has been looking pret-ty fuckin' cool lately.
image courtesy: thesun.co.uk

"We can't quite put our fingers on it," said a club spokesman at a press conference, held earlier today. "But Jack, in spite of his nagging fitness issues, is looking cooler than ever. I mean, ask anyone. He's like from [critically acclaimed AMC drama] Mad Men, or something."

Olivier Giroud, Arsenal striker and Club Handsome Liaison, had this to say: "Wow, you know? For a while, when I first got here, I thought, 'Hey, big fish, small pond' as they say in English. We're an attractive team, I think, but lately ... lately Jack has been getting a lot of calls from modeling agencies, casting directors ... he just, euuuhh ... 'oozes' cool, I think. When Jack is around, women can't even see me."

Music video sex icon Lukas Podolski is also impressed with Wilshere's off-the-pitch form. "Jack has had his ups and downs on the pitch ever since his injury problems started ... but off the pitch? It's all ups, as far as I can tell. Sure, he's been a father for a little while. But recently ... I don't know. Recently, he finally seems like a man. I can't explain it."

One Club on Boylston was lucky enough to sit down with Jack Wilshere for a word on what the press are labeling his "Butterfly Phase":

"Well, y'know, I think there's a lot of things that come along with being a professional footballer and you just need to keep your head down and focus on what's important -- do you have a light? Thanks. Oh, man, that's smooth. Anyway, yeah, mate, I don't really know what everyone's on about. I'm the same ol' Jack I've always been, you can ask anyone. I guess I'm just a late bloomer."

Arsene Wenger, meanwhile, wished not to be interviewed, but made the following comment: "I do not know, euuuh, what is the new fascination with Jack, but he is a great player and we are mostly concerned with his performance on the pitch. But, of course, we are always concerned for his health and his recovery of form, so whatever keeps his confidence high is I think a good thing."

In other news, Arsenal head physio Colin Lewin has requested that all first-team players refrain from unhealthful activities like smoking, except for menthols, which "are probably fine."

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