01 November 2013

The WAT: Correspondent wakes up disoriented, naked, reads about League Cup exit

Sources confirm that "weekly" The Weekly Arsenal Thing columnist, Alex Johnson, woke early Friday morning, stark naked, sweating, and completely disoriented.
(photo credit: ctmarie3)

"Jesus, it's November?", croaked the barely audible and now clinically dehydrated and malnourished Johnson, gleaning the dateline from the top of a stack of unread newspapers, which had accumulated under the front door mail slot.

"Oh, the Red Sox won the World Series. That's cool," Johnson reportedly said, before rushing out to make sure his black, 2011 Honda Civic, with moon-roof, remained unmolested where he had last parked it. "Phew," Johnson released in a follow-up statement. "The old girl looks all right."

"Shit!" Johnson announced to the press after thumbing awkwardly through the Sports section, overshooting, then returning to and checking page D6 for soccer scores, "We're out of the League Cup!", before issuing a follow-up verbal statement: "Whatever, it's the League Cup, I guess. Sucks that it was Chelsea, though. Was the game even on TV?"

Johnson then proceeded to discuss the result, while attempting to complete the current day's Cryptoquip in pen. "These things can be a real fuckshow if you're not careful, especially if you aren't using pencil or erasable pen." When asked to comment on Arsenal's League Cup knockout, Johnson reluctantly acquiesced.

"Well, sure, it sucks to miss another opportunity for silverware. But how happy would Arsenal fans really be with the League Cup? It's not very prestigious, nor does it have any pull over Champions League qualification ... . OK, I think 'G' is probably 'A.'"

The still undressed Johnson then sipped slowly from a large cup of hot coffee -- milk, no sugar -- a rogue ray of light cutting through the overcast sky, through a dusty set of storm windows and terminating on his dewy, glistening skin. "The trick is that any letter that's by itself is probably 'A'."

Johnson, stretching languorously, then placing his coffee on the table in order to adjust "himself," eventually continued: "Yeaaahh, you know? Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? This will give the boys a little extra rest so we can focus on the Premiership and responding to Dortmund away next week. This is the stuff that matters."

"Aww, shit," Johnson continued. "I forgot about 'I'. 'I' can be by itself too. Do you have any whiteout?"

At press time, Johnson had given up on the impossible Cryptoquip and settled leisurely into a warm and inviting Daily Jumble.

In other news, the Arsenal look forward to a potential tooth-and-nail match against Liverpool tomorrow, depending on how long Luis Suarez's fingernails are.

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