31 January 2014

The WAT: Arsenal 2-2 Southampton, London Colney runs out of toilet paper

Jenkinson bearing lighter news at
last year's BAFTA Children's Awards
In a thrilling draw at St. Mary's Stadium early this week, Arsenal greats Olivier Giroud and Santi Cazorla each netted themselves a goal, but it didn't prove enough to take the win from Southampton's Saints, who scored a goal in each half to keep it level at full time.

Arsenal fans everywhere echoed similar sentiments across social media: While being in first is great, they all said, it's a pretty heavy thing to be in first place, lots of pressure, even on the fans, so maybe this is just what we need to recharge the batteries and get in first again later, like in May, once things settle down. The club's supporters are known for this kind of positive, "nothing can bring us down" attitude, as evidenced by that nice card RVP found in his locker when he arrived at United. Remember signing that card? "Good luck Robben [sic] have fun at manchester and we hope you win the league in 2012-13." Very classy, and very gracious. Not to mention eerily premonitory.

In other breaking news, Arsenal's London Colney training facility has officially run out of toilet paper. The news came Wednesday as Carl Jenkinson exited the toilet and made the post-steamer announcement. "OK, everyone, don't freak, but we're out of toilet paper. I even had to use a piece of paper towel -- I know it's not good for the septic system to flush paper towels, so don't tell Wenger, but needs must." Everyone understood.

While the duty of procuring, stocking, and loading new toilet paper rolls falls typically under the purview of the team captain, Vermaelen has been rarely featured in the 2013-14 campaign. Mikel Arteta and Per Mertesacker, vice-captain and deputy vice-captain, respectively, have been filling those roles on the field. But who, this reporter asks, will fill those rolls in the toilet stalls?

"I usually do it, but, the way I see it, if I'm not captain on the pitch, I'm not captain in the toilet, either," said Vermaelen. "Plus, I've been doing it since I got here, and I wasn't even captain until Robin [van Persie] left. I think they just made me do it because my English wasn't great. Anyway, I'm not doing it anymore. Fuck those guys."

"Hey, I love [Vermaelen and Mertesacker]," said Arteta, "but there's no way I'm picking up the toilet paper. First, I'm pretty sure I did it last time; and second, shit rolls downhill. If Vermaelen tries to pass this on to me, I'm just giving it to Per. He's my deputy, so he has to do whatever I say, all the time."

"Mikel can try that shit all day," said Mertesacker, when asked to respond to Arteta's comments. "Fact is, nobody's asking me to buy toilet paper because the last time they did, I brought back budget rolls. It was like Bible paper. You buy that the first time and you don't have to ever buy it again. This ain't my first rodeo," he said, alluding to his tenure at Bundesliga side Werder Bremen.

At press time, Vermaelen is about to just go do it himself, if anyone wants to come to the store.

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