06 September 2013

The WAT: Aaron Ramsey gets laid for first time

Dear loyal The WAT readers,
Ozil, right? Right. Injuries, though, right? Yeah. Look, you've read all about this stuff by now. What you haven't read is last week's The WAT. Which is, incidentally, this week's The WAT. Why, you ask? Well, in all honesty, we forgot to hit that orange bastard of a "Publish" button last week. Plus, it's another interlull and, if you haven't read this yet, it's new to you!

An Emirates spokesman announced last Thursday morning that Welsh midfielder Aaron Ramsey finally got laid Wednesday night.

"Arsenal is proud to announce that our very own #16 has finally had sex -- with a girl."

The news came shortly after a noteworthy performance against Fenerbahce, as the once fan-maligned player continued to show an improvement in form with a brace against the Turkish side.

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger said in a post-coital press conference: "Euuuuh ... we are very much proud of Aaron's progress both as a player and as a now sexually active young man. His performance against Fenerbahce showed great intelligence and his physical effort on the pitch, euuuh, I think will translate very well to love-making in the bedroom."
Heh heh, 'atta boy!
(image courtesy of walesonline.co.uk)

When reached for comment directly, regarding his performance against Fenerbahce, Ramsey said to reporters, "Yeah, all the boys put in a lot of effort and we got the desired result. Without their support, you know, this kind of thing doesn't happen." When asked if he planned on getting a full hat trick in the near future the Welshman replied, "Oh, you meant the--uhh, yeah. We'll see. Three in one sitting would be pure class. Pure class ..." at which point the young midfielder's eyes wandered into distant focus as he casually covered his lap with a hitherto unnoticed binder.

In a separate interview, Keiran Gibbs told The Guardian, "Aaron? Yeah, he's a good looking boy, but he has had confidence problems. It's all about confidence. Between you and me, she was a tart. A real slampig. But you know, fair play to 'im, you have to get a few under your belt before you start pulling Peter Crouch tail. And me and all the boys, we really egged him on -- both before and during."

In an interview with Marca, Santi Cazorla was quoted, saying: "I taught [Aaron] everything he knows ... about fucking."

Aaron Ramsey will turn 23 in December.


In other news, FoxSoccer2Go.com continues its blitz email campaign to maintain subscribers following the transfer of English Premier League broadcasting rights in the United States to NBC.

In a hilariously desperate email to this correspondent, complete with subject line "We don't want to lose you," the dying behemoth when on to list a "quick summary of what you can expect for 2012/13 [sic]," which included such items as:
  • Over 1,300 live and on demand games in 2012-2013 [sic]
  • Average 24 live or on demand games per week
  • 100% Official: No Malware / No Spyware*
  • Plus lots more
 Upon thorough investigation by this reporter, it was found that while there was some misdirection regarding the above claims (unless you pay attention to the dates), rugby and Aussie Rules Football fans will have literally tens of games to watch this year. It also appears to be the only remaining legal, "reliable" way to view Champions League games, short of going to a bar in the afternoon during the middle of the week.

Till [next] next week.

-The WAT

*Not to be confused with Setanta's "FREE Malware and Spyware" offerings.

1 comment:

  1. Next week, we cover Carl Jenkinson's campaign of ruthless piracy on the high seas.*

    *Or something else because I just made that up.