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"Look, a few of the guys and me -- Randman [Randy Lerner], [John] Henry, Wrath of [Shahid] Khan, Malcolm [Glazer] and Captain Pussyface [Ellis Short] -- we all thought it'd be a pretty funny goof to buy weird sports teams in another country, start a little fantasy league among ourselves. You know, something to keep us busy during the fall, but lower pressure than something like an NFL holding in case we have to skip a few weeks. ... Did we follow these clubs before buying? No, that was against the rules. It just kind of worked out that [Ellis Short] drew Sunderland. ... Well of course I wish I drew Manchester United ... look, it's moot. The point is that I now think it would be pretty cool to rub it in Glazer's face--err, win the league with Arsenal. I [love] Arsenal. I certainly understand that the fans are skeptical of my commitment, but trust me -- I'm rich. You don't get rich by losing. Doesn't matter what it is. Oh, and also my fucking kid would probably love it. He hates Glazer's kids."Kroenke went on to discuss his relationship with manager Arsène Wenger, as well as the Frenchman's contract situation:
"Of course we speak with each other. Love the guy. Can't understand a fucking word he's saying, but it's all soccer, so he could be talking Greek and I'd still be just as lost. Yeah, he speaks five languages, big deal. They're all in French accents. I'm just saying, I speak one language, and guess how much money I have? I'll give you a hint: way more than Arsène. And he's rich. What do you think of that, Glazer? I'm gunning for you, motherfucker. Oh, hey -- 'gunning.' That's an Arsenal thing, right?"When asked about record signing Mesut Ozil, Kroenke continued:
"When Arsène first got on the horn with me about the deal, I was all like, 'Ozil? What is that, some kind of pasta salad thing? Yeah, pick some up.' It was only after I got the receipt that I realized I had just bought a very expensive human being. But hey, fuck it. The StanMan [sic] isn't afraid to get his hands dirty in the transfer market. You hear me, Glazer? I'm gonna fuck your wife, pal. That's the endgame here. Total victory. If I have to win some stupid soccer cup to get there, then whatever."Stan Kroenke concluded the interview:
"Eat my fucking shit, Glazer. And tell that wife a' yours to start hitting the gym. I don't want to see any jelly rolls come May 2014. Stan likes skinny girls."In other news, Theo Walcott's recently botched surgery has left the well-compensated forward with legs for arms and arms for legs, due to a hospital clerical error. He will be out for a likely three weeks, according to the club.