23 August 2013

Weekly Arsenal Thing: Arsenal Secure Titles with Massive Flamini Signing

Reports are pouring in from credible sources that Arsene Wenger is on the cusp of securing erstwhile former-Arsenal midfielder Mathieu Flamini and, by extension, the 2013-14 Premier League title, Champions League Cup, Capital One and FA Cups, and -- fuck it, why not? -- World Cup 2014.
He has returned.
(Photo courtesy Nick Wadge)

"It has been requiring a lot of the mental toughness for me to keep this signing a secret since May, euuuhh, but I know that, euuuhh ... this will I think silence the critics in the media who have been wanting me to fail," said the be-grinned Wenger, hardly able to contain an excitement sure to be shared by Gooners the world over.

Meanwhile, sources at Old Trafford have confirmed that David Moyes is "inconsolable"  after learning his new club lost out on the 29-year-old midfielder who spent the entire 2011-12 season on the disabled list at AC Milan.

"I am already bested," admitted a sullen and "visibly humbled" José Mourinho in an interview with A Bola. "I wish now only to return to Portugal, to fish the waters of my father, and to live simply for whatever time is left to me."

Aston Villa released official comments soon after news of the imminent Flamini signing surfaced: "We're sorry. We're so god-damned sorry about Saturday. Look, how much money will it take to smooth things over? We'll do anything you want. Anything. We have families. Here, take Agbonlahor."

North London rivals Tottenham Hotspur were left in even deeper distress, as the club released this official statement shortly after news of the looming Flamini signing hit media outlets:
"It is with unimaginable sadness that we at White Hart Lane must announce the passing of beloved manager Andre Villas-Boas. While we cannot fully comment on the nature of Mr. Villas-Boas' death until an autopsy has concluded, the empty bottle of bleach, scattered sleeping pills, and numerous hesitation wounds, apparently caused by a letter opener still locked in Mr. Villas-Boas' own hand, suggest an apparent suicide. Tottenham Hotspur will not be competing this season, in any competitions."
At Shenley Training Centre, a gleeful Flamini stated to the media, "kālo'smi lokakṣayakṛtpravṛddho lokānsamāhartumiha pravṛttaḥ," which scholars have translated as, roughly:
"I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds."
At press time, sources confirmed that Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan had already activated a secret clause allowing him to completely dissolve Manchester City Football Club, liquidate all assets and set flame to a massive funeral pyre composed entirely of his material wealth. "The prophecy has been fulfilled; The Flamini is returned, the End of Days is nigh upon us," Mansour said to correspondents, shortly before gouging his own eyes and casting himself into the flames, the song of his agony bringing grown men within earshot to weep tears of blood.

In other Arsenal transfer news, there is none.