16 August 2013

The Weekly Arsenal Thing - Welcome to the WAT

The Weekly Arsenal Thing Hello all, and welcome to the first ever The Weekly Arsenal Thing, or T.W.A. … oh. Huh. Well, what's in a name, right? The important thing is the content. OK, are we almost at 600 words? Forty.
Recent photo of the author. (Photo courtesy Oatsy40)

Ahem, ah, so far so good, I think. I was recently asked by Mr. Meloni to come up with a weekly humor column, and I'll let you be the judge of that. I haven't started a new blog in a while, so things are going to be a little rocky until this thing gets some sea legs. So that's the intro. Now, in the spirit of acclaimed kids' book author Theo Walcott, I think it's time to just sprint this bad boy downfield, lump one in the (general area of) the area, and see what happens. (The metaphor completes when there's nobody there to actually read this post.)

Here we are, the beginning of the 2013-2014 season extremely fucking nigh, and the close of the transfer window slightly less fucking nigh, but still pretty fucking nigh. I have to admit, I don't have much patience for transfer season. Not in the way that everybody doesn't have much patience for transfer season, but in more of a hardly-follow-it kind of way. I mean, it's largely unfounded reporting anyway, right? That's why I like to wait until mid-August, when it's all neatly wrapped up, and I know how we're looking for the new season.

So, who did we sign? Higuain? Rooney? Some Brazilian kid I've never heard of? Is Fabregas back yet? I just can't wait to get a look at all the new faces! Time to hit Google and unwrap all my Christmas presents.

Oh … this … this can't be right. Huh. Is – what month is it? Just … just give me a minute. I've got to sit down and run some numbers.

I kid, of course. We haven't spent any money. That isn't to say it's not going to good use, though. I've got a couple of inside tracks over at the Emirates*, and let's just say that EN-tested Snuggie that Arsene wears isn't filled with goose down. (Two words: “Banana Stand.”)

Look, I'm a positive guy, which is why I only drink whiskey in the winter. Whiskey makes me very sad. So let's have a look at all the good stuff that's happened so far this summer:

  • Lots of dead weight has been sold (except Bendtner. Never, ever Bendtner!). 
  • Yaya Sanogo brought in for a transfer fee of £0.00 (~$8.75), which is a decent valuation for a player who doesn't have a photo on his Wikipedia page. 
  • I just think having three items makes for a better list. 

Other bobs and bits (NOT “bits and bobs” – this ain't The Fiver): 
  • Looks like we'll still get to hate Luis Suarez. Hate him for hating other people. And for biting. Man, I'd love to bite that guy. 
  • Steve Bould still bald. 
  • Head physio Colin Lewin still looks a lot like Gael Boetticher from Breaking Bad to me. Such a great show. 
  • Are you guys all caught up? 
  • Someone caught Wenger wearing cutoffs in his office. 
  • This column is a new thing that exists and is related to Arsenal.

Woof. OK, how was that? It'll get better*.


*- This is a lie.

(This article was written by Alex Johnson but posted by Joe Meloni.)

No comments:

Post a Comment